Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
