Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
