They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
