i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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