I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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