I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave