Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?