Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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