We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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