I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
