your parents love me but you hate me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
