my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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