Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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