I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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