i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
