He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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