how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
