all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
