Betty ford says i'm here all night
you win again, gameday.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
