My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
