thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
