3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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