Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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