it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
