i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
