dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
last night I used snow as a chaser
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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