There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
