i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
