she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
