your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
