I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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