so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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