Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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