distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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