I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
