Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
