When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
