dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
