Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
