I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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