Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
