I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
