Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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