the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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