Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
