The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
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Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
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Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
BRING THE BAGELS
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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