i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
