Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
