TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
