just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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