So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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