Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom