New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
my poor anus
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.