He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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