He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
