why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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