If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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